Creating a grateful heart

The story I referred to in my last post is in regards to the tragic tornadoes that tore through the north central Illinois region where I live. They happened a week ago from this past Thursday, and even took the life of a woman I had worked with a long time ago. I have struggled so hard for so long to develop a grateful heart, and that devastation definitely helps put things into perspective.

Ever since I was forced to move out of my townhouse last May, I have been fighting a daily battle to not feel sorry for myself on all I had lost. I’ve had several losses since then – relationships, job, vehicle – which have made me feel like a failure in every aspect of life. For months I buried myself under the “woe is me” mentality. I couldn’t get out of the trap of wishing I had everything back that I had lost…my independence most of all.

It’s slowly getting to be less of a burden by thanking God for what I do have, and remembering so many other people would love to have what I have now. Regardless, there are days like today that bring up tough reminders that threaten to pull me under once again. It is my ex-boyfriend’s birthday, and I was reminded that I lost a companion whom I shared friends and experiences with. I absolutely know that even though he was the one to break it off, I never should have pushed for it to begin with because we were not right for each other and would not have lasted anyways. Doesn’t change the fact that we still made memories, good and bad, that I will still be reminded of for who knows how many more times.

I talked with another friend who’s been going through the same situation of giving up the past. It’s been a rough time for him, but he’s acknowledging that some things will never get back to the way they were. He was able to comfort and sympathize with me, which helped the pain ease a little. I also read Psalm 121, and loved the verse about how my help comes from the Maker of heaven and earth. He has literally created everything, and He is helping me create a grateful heart. A long, hard process, but when I instill that type of mindset in my life I will appreciate everything I do have and gladly accept whatever else I’ll be blessed with down the road.

“Holding on to the past is like trying to climb stairs with heavy weights chained to your ankles.”

My hell on earth

Depression has reared its ugly head again the past couple weeks. I’ve had to force myself to be more involved in my surroundings, especially when I have my kids, but it has been extremely difficult. I cannot emphasize the “extremely” part enough in regards to what my mind, body, and spirit have been going through. Today I succumbed to the nagging of my body to just stay in bed to fall asleep and forget everything going on in my world and the rest of the world. Eventually I got up just to get dressed and go walking before I ended up at my old church to read. I normally would play piano for awhile, but an injured thumb didn’t allow that pleasure for me today. I have been walking quite a bit this past week. It feels good getting some fresh air and exercise, but it just accentuates the fact that I’m reduced to walking when I don’t have a vehicle anymore.

I’ve broken down so many times lately that I’m starting to feel pathetic. I cry because of where I’m at literally and figuratively; because of the actions or lack of actions from other people; because most of my time is spent reading and studying. My flip side is that I have a roof over my head and the mental capacity to mostly function; I am not responsible for other people, only myself and what I have the ability to control; I may not be earning any monetary income, but the dividends of my studying may pay off big by helping others and myself in some fashion someday.

I’ve talked to several people in my support system lately. Thank God for the team He’s brought around me and for each of their gifts they can use to help guide me. I will share my talents and gifts with them as well, when the time comes. One of my friends asks so many questions, not in a rude way, but in a thought provoking way to help me see all angles, not just my little bubble I’m in. While praying for me, she asked God for clarity on whether I am creating my own “hell” on earth, or if this really is a test in my life to let God give me strength to overcome. After thinking about it, I would have to say it’s both. God has allowed some things to happen, some as consequences of my past mistakes, while others are more of trials for me to grow through. But am I exerting too much of my energy into longing for more than what I have right now? My feelings are valid, but am I responding in the wrong way to what I’m feeling? What if this is just one of the final pushes to make me decide to take a huge leap of faith? Maybe this depression has partially been brought on from all the questions I’m having without having any logical solutions. I just want one or two concrete answers that I can build on and move forward! But my progress through my hell on earth will have to be experienced in ways that can’t be predicted or mandated.

Pity Party

Last night into today I had to barge into my own mind and break up the pity party that was trying to get in full swing. I have been feeling lonely, frustrated, wronged, wistful, defeated, and ostracized. The difference this time has been stopping a certain thought – like if I’m frustrated with where I’m living at and with what I don’t have – and counteract that thought with something that will keep me pushing forward, like remembering that I won’t be here forever and something better is waiting for me. This change of behavior is extremely difficult, and it is really challenging my resolve and determination to improve my circumstances.

Last week my van breathed its last breath, and I had to accept that I am without a vehicle for now. No income, no possibility of finding a new vehicle at this time. At this time; that’s what I have to repeat to my several hundred times and probably then some. Relying on others has always been so difficult for me because I feel that I need to prove something to this world by showing I was strong enough to take care of myself. The only way I’ve been strong enough these past few days is by laying down my pride and asking others for help with rides or borrowing a car. Since I laid down my pride, I have been able to still go to church and life groups and volleyball and appointments for my kids. And I will continue to keep asking, because I know staying at home moping will not change my situation and lead to the dangerous decline into a depressed episode. I have not been into that deep pit for awhile, and I want to do what’s necessary to keep myself from going back there.

Also last week, a few days before my van broke down, God showed me a vision of what He wants me to do in the near future. This setback and all my other giants I am facing is going to certainly enhance or defeat my faith. I am choosing to let these troubles teach me how to overcome so that I will be prepared when God puts me in that place to work for Him. Again, I have to put my pride down because I am having to ask others for advice, help and prayers. No way I can possibly do this on my own. But when I see everything working together, I know it will give me a greater sense of purpose for my calling. And it’s going to be one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life.

So I am dreaming big of what the future holds, but right now, in this moment, I am proclaiming victory in Jesus to overcome these feelings. I have to force myself to move and do something productive. Even though I have bipolar disorder, I cannot use that as an excuse this time to keep me from doing what I need to do. If I can accomplish it this time, then I can do it every time thereafter. I am not going to be so harsh on myself if I don’t follow through every time; that will just bring me down even farther if it does happen. But I am taking it hour by hour, day by day, because at this point it’s all that I can do.

Those sneaky thoughts

I have made huge progress in my life recently, but only with God’s power and guidance. Such huge setbacks, but such great growth through it. The catch I’ve learned though is that I slip into a hypomanic episode easier now. I know God is giving me strength and a greater perspective on life, but I have to watch for the signs of euphoria and grandiosity. God can do the impossible, but I’m not God so I can’t. I just have to be willing to follow through with His plan for me; nothing more, nothing less. I pray for help in accomplishing goals, but I have to remember I’m not a superhero who can get everything done immediately. Some of my thoughts and ideas get carried away because my mind is deceiving me. These grandiose dreams come alive for me and I believe God will answer and make them come true for me. I am so grateful He doesn’t answer those foolish ones because they are not His best for me. He will show me the best gifts He has for me when the time is right. I won’t stop dreaming, but I’m not going to constantly ruminate on them like I used to. I’m excited to see what is in store for me, regardless of how my episodes fluctuate. Reality will push through, and I will take the good and the bad. How else will I become the best version of me that God wants me to be?

Ironic peace

I’ve been contemplating the reasons behind my yes’ and no’s that have been thrown at me lately. Yes they are necessary for my growth, and no I don’t understand most of these crazy developments. Who says I need to? This girl has learned that I won’t or can’t be given all the answers. I wouldn’t be able to handle the enormity of it all. My God knows and directs me through the answers because He can handle it. How amazing since I can’t!

I can trust Him like no one else on this earth. Even if they have the best of intentions for me. I am blessed by my select few I can confide in. One of which I told today, I am able to share certain thoughts and feelings with one or two friends, but I can’t share those with other friends. This is because my trust and comfort with one over another varies. Not judging or belittling each individual; just acknowledging that each one has different influences on me.

But now is my chance to lay all those laughs and burdens and questions and epiphanies on God’s shoulders. My trust proves that I don’t expect to be hurt by Him. I don’t have to walk on eggshells around Him with the possibility of Him using it against me. What a stress reliever! But God also brought those other individuals into my life to help me live and learn. Through it all I still get frustrated, but I’m learning to be at peace with what I can and must do each day. I can’t take on every day that’s left in my life at once, and I’m at peace with that reality.

What I know and don’t know

Recently I’ve been on a mental and emotional roller coaster. A couple situations seemed to be panning out a little. They weren’t. I thought I’ve been making huge progress; since I’ve opened my eyes somewhat it doesn’t seem like it. A friend told me otherwise, but I don’t know what to think. I’m all over the place, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt God hasn’t moved. He steadies me when I wobble on the balance beam of my life.Thank God because I am so absolutely tired of falling on my face. Could I please learn to do what God is telling me?? Yes, hard sometimes, but I know it’s the best way to keep trudging on.

In retrospect, my situations have been both comical and disheartening. How could I have ever imagined those “possibilities” to turn out the way I was playing it in my head? Embarrassed I realize I can still do my part moving forward. Who am I to say that these misunderstandings won’t be used for good? God says that He works for the good in ALL things for those who love Him. Not just some of my stupid mistakes, but all of them in some form or fashion. I know I love Him; I just don’t show it all the time. Maybe because of selfishness, pride, ignorance, or a ridiculous temper tantrum because I didn’t get my way. So I know I don’t always do what God tells me to do, and I don’t understand why I hurt both of us time after time again when I know better! I’ll learn eventually that He has my best interests at heart. I know I can’t wait to find out what they are!

Fact or fiction

Over the past week or so it seems like every day, or even a couple times in a day, I seem to get contrasting reviews in my head. I’m calling it the even-day, odd-day syndrome. I am not going from the extremes of mania to depression, which is strange. Rather, it seems like on an even day I have a light-hearted, down-to-earth perspective of one of my ongoing situations. Then strangely the odd day may bring me to a complete or partial change in the perspective. I don’t go through extreme emotions either, just the frustration of continually wondering which outcome or answer is correct. I know part of this is brought on by other people in my life. Either there are misunderstandings or total change of hearts on their part, which reveals to me just how much they affect my life. Which I understand; they have a right to make their own even-day, odd-day choices. But could my mind please catch up and know how to handle all this information?? I wouldn’t say I am worried or panicky, but my “wise mind” realizes now that there are some situations going on in my life that are not black or white. As I referred to before, I cannot let the conversations in my head get the best of me. I need to prepare mentally, emotionally, and spiritually so I can be adaptable in whatever is thrown my way. This will prevent a gradual uprising of uncertainty if these small instances keep happening, or if I am thrown one gigantic fireball of change that threatens to overtake everything I have accomplished so far. Please God, help me discern in my mind and my heart what you are showing me and what I need to believe and do.