Pity Party

Last night into today I had to barge into my own mind and break up the pity party that was trying to get in full swing. I have been feeling lonely, frustrated, wronged, wistful, defeated, and ostracized. The difference this time has been stopping a certain thought – like if I’m frustrated with where I’m living at and with what I don’t have – and counteract that thought with something that will keep me pushing forward, like remembering that I won’t be here forever and something better is waiting for me. This change of behavior is extremely difficult, and it is really challenging my resolve and determination to improve my circumstances.

Last week my van breathed its last breath, and I had to accept that I am without a vehicle for now. No income, no possibility of finding a new vehicle at this time. At this time; that’s what I have to repeat to my several hundred times and probably then some. Relying on others has always been so difficult for me because I feel that I need to prove something to this world by showing I was strong enough to take care of myself. The only way I’ve been strong enough these past few days is by laying down my pride and asking others for help with rides or borrowing a car. Since I laid down my pride, I have been able to still go to church and life groups and volleyball and appointments for my kids. And I will continue to keep asking, because I know staying at home moping will not change my situation and lead to the dangerous decline into a depressed episode. I have not been into that deep pit for awhile, and I want to do what’s necessary to keep myself from going back there.

Also last week, a few days before my van broke down, God showed me a vision of what He wants me to do in the near future. This setback and all my other giants I am facing is going to certainly enhance or defeat my faith. I am choosing to let these troubles teach me how to overcome so that I will be prepared when God puts me in that place to work for Him. Again, I have to put my pride down because I am having to ask others for advice, help and prayers. No way I can possibly do this on my own. But when I see everything working together, I know it will give me a greater sense of purpose for my calling. And it’s going to be one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life.

So I am dreaming big of what the future holds, but right now, in this moment, I am proclaiming victory in Jesus to overcome these feelings. I have to force myself to move and do something productive. Even though I have bipolar disorder, I cannot use that as an excuse this time to keep me from doing what I need to do. If I can accomplish it this time, then I can do it every time thereafter. I am not going to be so harsh on myself if I don’t follow through every time; that will just bring me down even farther if it does happen. But I am taking it hour by hour, day by day, because at this point it’s all that I can do.

Peace ruling in our hearts

This morning I was reading several Bible passages to prepare for a spiritual battle I know I am facing. A test of faith, trust, and hope that God is taking me by the hand and teaching me what I need to do. The following verses were an admonition for the behaviors and thoughts I had instilled in me, and the call to action to prepare for what’s ahead.

Colossians 3:12-17 “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the PEACE OF CHRIST RULE IN YOUR HEARTS, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.”

As you can see I highlighted a phrase that stuck out for me. All this frustration and uncertainty and unknown future have been swirling around in my heart and mind. But I have a promise right there that Christ’s peace can rule in my heart. It can have absolute control that no one else, including myself, can take away. Part of this peace requires a willingness on my part to do things that are contrary to what my inner self fights for. Compassion, humility, and forgiveness are definitely not my forte. When I’ve gone so long focusing on how I’ve been wronged and abused, I bypass thinking of what others are going through and put myself on a pedestal that needs to come crashing down. And it has been crumbling, painfully yet freeing at the same time.

And put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. My part is to put on love and project that love so that a bond can be formed, perfected through God’s hand in the matter. This will have to be a thoughtful, prepared kind of love that will reflect Christ’s selfless acts of love. There is absolutely no possible way for me to completely mimic His love, but God forgives me when I willingly choose to do the opposite.

Today was an amazing time of dwelling richly in the word of Christ. Singing thankfully from the heart, along with many other worshipers. Sitting with a friend and her family, waiting for God to reveal His presence and continually become our one true desire. And the beautiful prayers on my behalf that proves God is working in my life, and is by my side helping me to conquer the enemy. One of the best phrases today was “even on our best day, we are not really worth talking about.” I’m not, no matter how much I want everything to be about me. My pain, my value, my pride. I was not there when Creation began, nor will I be here much longer in light of eternity. So what do I do now? Well, whatever I do in word or deed, it needs to be done in the name of the Lord Jesus, and just give thanks to God! There are so many circumstances that no matter what I do, there may never be a favorable solution, but as long as I’ve done it in a way that pleases God, His peace will rule in my heart. How amazing is that!