Showers of blessings

Today I had an appointment with my therapists and they first questioned me on how I’m doing without the medications. I explained that I’m past the withdrawal stage and that I am so much more clear and focused in life now than I ever was before. I reiterated several times that it’s because I’ve turned everything over to God and I am letting Him have control over my life. The questioning continued to make sure I have safeguards in place just in case something happens that may cause me to need the meds again. I am grateful that I have counselors who are adamant on making sure I stay safe and healthy. I explained that I’m not just living on a cloud nine spiritual experience, but that I’m cultivating a new way of life that is incorporating my faith and the coping skills I’m learning in the individual and group therapy sessions. I have a spiritual mentor I can turn to, and I’ve made several friends who share my faith and are also striving to fulfill their purpose God has for them. My therapists even stated that I may have been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder since I have done so well coming off the medications, but I know this is not the case. I know the manic and depressive episodes I experienced were true stages of bipolar disorder. The difference now is that I am relying on God to give me the power and strength to overcome my demons. And God is blessing me in enormous ways that I never thought possible. I don’t carry the shame and guilt of my past abuse and poor choices I’ve made in life like I used to. I’ve unclenched my fists from the tight grasp they had on bitterness and anger and self-loathing. I am making leaps and bounds in old and new relationships that I am intentionally putting effort into so that I can develop more deep and meaningful interactions. I have been complimented so many times recently on my glowing countenance and physical appearance. I am not trying to be vain; in fact, it has been very humbling each time someone has complimented me in regards to how I look. It is something I’ve always wanted because one of my biggest disappointments and fears has always been rejection. The only reason why my appearance is different now is that I’ve let God do the transformation instead of stubbornly trying to do it on my own. And I’m not saying everything in my life is picture perfect now either. I still have my huge faults that get me in trouble and cause pain to myself and others. I still have a few big dreams that I beg God for daily to help make them come true, and I feel like they are just a few more steps away. He has brought me this far, and I believe He will grant me the desires of my heart because I am focusing on Him and asking for Him to guide me so that I will pursue and want what His plans are for me anyway.

My hell on earth

Depression has reared its ugly head again the past couple weeks. I’ve had to force myself to be more involved in my surroundings, especially when I have my kids, but it has been extremely difficult. I cannot emphasize the “extremely” part enough in regards to what my mind, body, and spirit have been going through. Today I succumbed to the nagging of my body to just stay in bed to fall asleep and forget everything going on in my world and the rest of the world. Eventually I got up just to get dressed and go walking before I ended up at my old church to read. I normally would play piano for awhile, but an injured thumb didn’t allow that pleasure for me today. I have been walking quite a bit this past week. It feels good getting some fresh air and exercise, but it just accentuates the fact that I’m reduced to walking when I don’t have a vehicle anymore.

I’ve broken down so many times lately that I’m starting to feel pathetic. I cry because of where I’m at literally and figuratively; because of the actions or lack of actions from other people; because most of my time is spent reading and studying. My flip side is that I have a roof over my head and the mental capacity to mostly function; I am not responsible for other people, only myself and what I have the ability to control; I may not be earning any monetary income, but the dividends of my studying may pay off big by helping others and myself in some fashion someday.

I’ve talked to several people in my support system lately. Thank God for the team He’s brought around me and for each of their gifts they can use to help guide me. I will share my talents and gifts with them as well, when the time comes. One of my friends asks so many questions, not in a rude way, but in a thought provoking way to help me see all angles, not just my little bubble I’m in. While praying for me, she asked God for clarity on whether I am creating my own “hell” on earth, or if this really is a test in my life to let God give me strength to overcome. After thinking about it, I would have to say it’s both. God has allowed some things to happen, some as consequences of my past mistakes, while others are more of trials for me to grow through. But am I exerting too much of my energy into longing for more than what I have right now? My feelings are valid, but am I responding in the wrong way to what I’m feeling? What if this is just one of the final pushes to make me decide to take a huge leap of faith? Maybe this depression has partially been brought on from all the questions I’m having without having any logical solutions. I just want one or two concrete answers that I can build on and move forward! But my progress through my hell on earth will have to be experienced in ways that can’t be predicted or mandated.