Disillusionment

Today my devotional from My Utmost For His Highest centered around disillusionment. I’ve struggled with this for so many years now. God had an original intention for this world to run perfectly and in harmony, but because of sin that design was shattered. Yet somehow I keep expecting things to get back to a perfect state, and I have this grand illusion that I will be better off. I think to myself “once this happens” or “once I can attain/achieve that” then everything will become so much better in my life. Yes, certain people, possessions or accomplishments can make life easier for me, but to what extent and what type of standard am I measuring it against? Just to receive comforts in life alone is not enough to make my time here worthwhile. God’s intent for me is to grow through the here and now, and not be living in a fairy tale in my mind where I believe certain scenarios will make me happier than how I feel at this moment.

These past couple weeks have been so difficult on my heart, mind and soul. I can’t understand why certain situations are allowed to continue, or why things have seemed to come to a halt for me instead of progressing forward. Anger and bitterness were fighting ruthlessly to gain back ground in my heart, and yes it did take some back. Now I have to repeat the painful process of trying to let that go and let God show His compassion and grace through me to the rest of the world. I’m not in the pit of depression like I have been in the past, and thank God for that much progress.

My daughter wanted to quit piano already over some foolish reason, and I had to explain to her that she can’t give up because of some minor irritation. It resonated in my soul that God is trying to teach me the exact same thing on a much grander scale in regards to my life. I can’t give up my time with God or trusting in Him, because what am I left with then that would possibly make my life any better?

I am not an extremely materialistic person – I do wish I had more conveniences in my life, and I’ve had to adapt to living without. Instead, I turn to people to try to fill my needs. Here is what Oswald Chambers wrote in the devotion I read today:

“Refusing to be disillusioned is the cause of much of the suffering of human life. And this is how that suffering happens – if we love someone, but do not love God, we demand total perfection and righteousness from that person, and when we do not get it we become cruel and vindictive; yet we are demanding of a human being something which he or she cannot possibly give. There is only one Being who can completely satisfy to the absolute depth of the hurting human heart, and that is the Lord Jesus Christ. Our Lord is so obviously uncompromising with regard to every human relationship because He knows that every relationship that is not based on faithfulness to Himself will end in disaster. Our Lord trusted no one, and never placed His faith in people, yet He was never suspicious or bitter. Our Lord’s confidence in God, and in what God’s grace could do for anyone, was so perfect that He never despaired, never giving up hope for any person. If our trust is placed in human beings, we will end up despairing of everyone.”

So no matter how much I keep turning to other people for help, it will all be futile if I do not admit and accept that God has to be the center, the very center, of my desires. Yes, He wants to use others to encourage me and help bear my burdens, but they are imperfect human beings with a limited source of strength and resources. No one can fully give me everything I need to live my life, and I need to stop this disillusionment of expecting to be filled up or completed through anything or anyone else besides the Almighty God who created me. Every time I am disappointed by another person’s comments, actions, or lack of response, I need to differentiate between fact and feelings and then accept that they will be held accountable for themselves some day. I have a much greater Source to rely on through my hard times right now, and His help is infinitely greater than the best of intentions or assistance from anyone else on this planet.

Showers of blessings

Today I had an appointment with my therapists and they first questioned me on how I’m doing without the medications. I explained that I’m past the withdrawal stage and that I am so much more clear and focused in life now than I ever was before. I reiterated several times that it’s because I’ve turned everything over to God and I am letting Him have control over my life. The questioning continued to make sure I have safeguards in place just in case something happens that may cause me to need the meds again. I am grateful that I have counselors who are adamant on making sure I stay safe and healthy. I explained that I’m not just living on a cloud nine spiritual experience, but that I’m cultivating a new way of life that is incorporating my faith and the coping skills I’m learning in the individual and group therapy sessions. I have a spiritual mentor I can turn to, and I’ve made several friends who share my faith and are also striving to fulfill their purpose God has for them. My therapists even stated that I may have been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder since I have done so well coming off the medications, but I know this is not the case. I know the manic and depressive episodes I experienced were true stages of bipolar disorder. The difference now is that I am relying on God to give me the power and strength to overcome my demons. And God is blessing me in enormous ways that I never thought possible. I don’t carry the shame and guilt of my past abuse and poor choices I’ve made in life like I used to. I’ve unclenched my fists from the tight grasp they had on bitterness and anger and self-loathing. I am making leaps and bounds in old and new relationships that I am intentionally putting effort into so that I can develop more deep and meaningful interactions. I have been complimented so many times recently on my glowing countenance and physical appearance. I am not trying to be vain; in fact, it has been very humbling each time someone has complimented me in regards to how I look. It is something I’ve always wanted because one of my biggest disappointments and fears has always been rejection. The only reason why my appearance is different now is that I’ve let God do the transformation instead of stubbornly trying to do it on my own. And I’m not saying everything in my life is picture perfect now either. I still have my huge faults that get me in trouble and cause pain to myself and others. I still have a few big dreams that I beg God for daily to help make them come true, and I feel like they are just a few more steps away. He has brought me this far, and I believe He will grant me the desires of my heart because I am focusing on Him and asking for Him to guide me so that I will pursue and want what His plans are for me anyway.

Bottom of the bottle

I have been trying to lace all my posts with some type of positive encouragement, and this one will as well. But this is me exposing one of the worst moments in my life. I was in another extreme depressive state of my life back in 2009. I was trying to function daily, but just couldn’t bear functioning anymore. There was no light at the end of the tunnel for me. There was no light whatsoever. I had a husband, children, home and a job. I felt helpless trying to take care of myself, let alone my home or work life. And like many other people who have experienced my kind of pain, I made a conscious decision that not only affected me greatly, but my family and friends as well.

That morning my ex-husband took the kids to school, and I knew he would be back afterwards. I sat on the edge of our bed and stared at a couple of the prescription bottles I was getting tired of taking pills from every day. I think it was my mood stabilizer and anxiety medications. I heard my ex moving around in the other room, but I knew he would check on me eventually. In a desperate attempt, I took several pills from both bottles; I couldn’t even tell you how many of each. I remember getting extremely sleepy, but I can’t remember where my body was – if I was on the bed, the floor, wherever.

Basically the next few hours were only audible. I could hear people talking but it was like I was in complete darkness. I heard my ex call 911 and call his mom. I cannot even fathom the fear he must have been experiencing. I don’t know how long it took for the paramedics and police to get there. I could somewhat feel them moving me around, but I couldn’t tell what they were doing. What I do remember is that one policeman and one male paramedic made comments that were absolutely degrading and disgusting. Like I wasn’t enduring enough pain and humiliation in my life already.

The officer had talked to my ex about what events may have led up to my overdose. To spare my ex, I will not give the exact words the officer spoke, but he made a crude comment about our personal life. The next insult came from the paramedic who “loaded” me into the ambulance. His irritation was evident when he told me to help him get myself in because I was hurting his back. He attacked further by berating me and telling me that they would probably pump my stomach, and if that’s what I had wanted. No compassion whatsoever. But then I hadn’t made that decision to try to get sympathy and compassion. I was just trying to escape.

I knew I wasn’t going to die. I knew I would be sick and have some consequences, but I just didn’t know to what extent. I knew God wasn’t done with me yet, even though I took such drastic measures to escape my pain. After I got to the hospital I remember going in and out hearing what the staff were doing for me. I did not have to have my stomach pumped, which some people were amazed at. Obviously when I was stabilized, I was put on constant watch so I wouldn’t try anything harmful again. Later I was transferred to the first of my psychiatric ward stays. That story is for another time. The family and friends that visited me were so thankful yet extremely worried about my overdose and my mental state. My best friend at that time had come and gave me such a huge hug, whispering against my hair “I prayed, I prayed!” I don’t even know how her relationship with God is, if at all, but she had that much love for me to resort to prayer. My mom always poured herself into her children, and she hurt because she couldn’t take away my hurt. My cousin has been there for me since way back when, and I am grateful she chose to come visit me then, and several times thereafter at my other hospitalizations.

There was so much more emotion on my part and the part of everyone else involved in my story, but there is no way to completely capture that in mere words. That was one of my wake-up calls. Adjusting and monitoring medications for bipolar disorder was such an exhausting ordeal. It still is to this day. And I did have other thoughts of hurting myself again after that incident. I had the life experience and better understanding of my mental issues though that I didn’t follow through a second time.

I have been a Christian since I was six years old. I don’t know when I first started experiencing bipolar symptoms, but I can remember them as far back as junior high. Back then I knew something was wrong, but I had no name for it or any idea how to find out what was wrong. But all this time I have still believed that God was real. His greatest miracle for me was keeping me alive, but I know He is with me regardless of that. I still fought tooth and nail for years on end working for what I wanted, and not what He wanted for me. Sometimes I would draw closer to Him, but not enough where I was willing to give Him total control. Until this past October. I had another mental and emotional breakdown that sent me to a crisis residential center for two weeks. Another story for another time. But that was the final nudge that God gave to me to make me finally realize I can’t excel in my life if I don’t listen to Him. I won’t overcome anything without His strength and power. And now He is restoring my life in ways I never would have imagined. And there is so much more to come. So I do see light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, but I also see the Light surrounding me now. He will keep me safe from any darkness that may cross my path again until the moment that He alone has destined for me to die. But from that moment when I enter eternity, I will never have to look at the bottom of a bottle again.

Ironic peace

I’ve been contemplating the reasons behind my yes’ and no’s that have been thrown at me lately. Yes they are necessary for my growth, and no I don’t understand most of these crazy developments. Who says I need to? This girl has learned that I won’t or can’t be given all the answers. I wouldn’t be able to handle the enormity of it all. My God knows and directs me through the answers because He can handle it. How amazing since I can’t!

I can trust Him like no one else on this earth. Even if they have the best of intentions for me. I am blessed by my select few I can confide in. One of which I told today, I am able to share certain thoughts and feelings with one or two friends, but I can’t share those with other friends. This is because my trust and comfort with one over another varies. Not judging or belittling each individual; just acknowledging that each one has different influences on me.

But now is my chance to lay all those laughs and burdens and questions and epiphanies on God’s shoulders. My trust proves that I don’t expect to be hurt by Him. I don’t have to walk on eggshells around Him with the possibility of Him using it against me. What a stress reliever! But God also brought those other individuals into my life to help me live and learn. Through it all I still get frustrated, but I’m learning to be at peace with what I can and must do each day. I can’t take on every day that’s left in my life at once, and I’m at peace with that reality.

Conversations in my head

I have had this really bad habit for a long time of starting a conversation in my head, and then responding how I think the other person would respond. This would lead to more responses between myself and myself standing in for the other person. Doesn’t matter who, doesn’t matter the situation, doesn’t matter the topic. I do this to prepare myself for possible scenarios, and different answers I could come up with to make sure the conversation would stay on the course that I set it on. I believe this is a control issue so that I try to prevent an inappropriate response that will prove in my mind I’m an idiot or setting myself up to get hurt or angry. The ridiculous reality is that I created a system that perpetuates and increases tenfold the anxious thoughts I already had! I am now training myself to stop the conversation when it begins, and remember that no matter what response(s) I can formulate on their side in my head – in real life they can always throw a totally different one at me. Then I’m unprepared and wasted all that time on the mental one! This is not fair to the other person because I am not truly willing or being considerate of their real thoughts and feelings they may want to express. Today my ritual changed by stopping the inside convo immediately, remembering to submit to the sincerity of a true interaction with that said individual, and ask God to give me the right words when it will actually happen. It worked perfectly when I asked God beforehand for peace and wisdom with my choice of words, and I was satisfied with how it all turned out. Less time stressing, and more time enjoying what actually came to be. Now I just have to keep practicing that method, because I don’t want to find my way back to that frustrating hamster wheel of trying to control that aspect of my life.