Creating a grateful heart

The story I referred to in my last post is in regards to the tragic tornadoes that tore through the north central Illinois region where I live. They happened a week ago from this past Thursday, and even took the life of a woman I had worked with a long time ago. I have struggled so hard for so long to develop a grateful heart, and that devastation definitely helps put things into perspective.

Ever since I was forced to move out of my townhouse last May, I have been fighting a daily battle to not feel sorry for myself on all I had lost. I’ve had several losses since then – relationships, job, vehicle – which have made me feel like a failure in every aspect of life. For months I buried myself under the “woe is me” mentality. I couldn’t get out of the trap of wishing I had everything back that I had lost…my independence most of all.

It’s slowly getting to be less of a burden by thanking God for what I do have, and remembering so many other people would love to have what I have now. Regardless, there are days like today that bring up tough reminders that threaten to pull me under once again. It is my ex-boyfriend’s birthday, and I was reminded that I lost a companion whom I shared friends and experiences with. I absolutely know that even though he was the one to break it off, I never should have pushed for it to begin with because we were not right for each other and would not have lasted anyways. Doesn’t change the fact that we still made memories, good and bad, that I will still be reminded of for who knows how many more times.

I talked with another friend who’s been going through the same situation of giving up the past. It’s been a rough time for him, but he’s acknowledging that some things will never get back to the way they were. He was able to comfort and sympathize with me, which helped the pain ease a little. I also read Psalm 121, and loved the verse about how my help comes from the Maker of heaven and earth. He has literally created everything, and He is helping me create a grateful heart. A long, hard process, but when I instill that type of mindset in my life I will appreciate everything I do have and gladly accept whatever else I’ll be blessed with down the road.

“Holding on to the past is like trying to climb stairs with heavy weights chained to your ankles.”

Pity Party

Last night into today I had to barge into my own mind and break up the pity party that was trying to get in full swing. I have been feeling lonely, frustrated, wronged, wistful, defeated, and ostracized. The difference this time has been stopping a certain thought – like if I’m frustrated with where I’m living at and with what I don’t have – and counteract that thought with something that will keep me pushing forward, like remembering that I won’t be here forever and something better is waiting for me. This change of behavior is extremely difficult, and it is really challenging my resolve and determination to improve my circumstances.

Last week my van breathed its last breath, and I had to accept that I am without a vehicle for now. No income, no possibility of finding a new vehicle at this time. At this time; that’s what I have to repeat to my several hundred times and probably then some. Relying on others has always been so difficult for me because I feel that I need to prove something to this world by showing I was strong enough to take care of myself. The only way I’ve been strong enough these past few days is by laying down my pride and asking others for help with rides or borrowing a car. Since I laid down my pride, I have been able to still go to church and life groups and volleyball and appointments for my kids. And I will continue to keep asking, because I know staying at home moping will not change my situation and lead to the dangerous decline into a depressed episode. I have not been into that deep pit for awhile, and I want to do what’s necessary to keep myself from going back there.

Also last week, a few days before my van broke down, God showed me a vision of what He wants me to do in the near future. This setback and all my other giants I am facing is going to certainly enhance or defeat my faith. I am choosing to let these troubles teach me how to overcome so that I will be prepared when God puts me in that place to work for Him. Again, I have to put my pride down because I am having to ask others for advice, help and prayers. No way I can possibly do this on my own. But when I see everything working together, I know it will give me a greater sense of purpose for my calling. And it’s going to be one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life.

So I am dreaming big of what the future holds, but right now, in this moment, I am proclaiming victory in Jesus to overcome these feelings. I have to force myself to move and do something productive. Even though I have bipolar disorder, I cannot use that as an excuse this time to keep me from doing what I need to do. If I can accomplish it this time, then I can do it every time thereafter. I am not going to be so harsh on myself if I don’t follow through every time; that will just bring me down even farther if it does happen. But I am taking it hour by hour, day by day, because at this point it’s all that I can do.

Ironic peace

I’ve been contemplating the reasons behind my yes’ and no’s that have been thrown at me lately. Yes they are necessary for my growth, and no I don’t understand most of these crazy developments. Who says I need to? This girl has learned that I won’t or can’t be given all the answers. I wouldn’t be able to handle the enormity of it all. My God knows and directs me through the answers because He can handle it. How amazing since I can’t!

I can trust Him like no one else on this earth. Even if they have the best of intentions for me. I am blessed by my select few I can confide in. One of which I told today, I am able to share certain thoughts and feelings with one or two friends, but I can’t share those with other friends. This is because my trust and comfort with one over another varies. Not judging or belittling each individual; just acknowledging that each one has different influences on me.

But now is my chance to lay all those laughs and burdens and questions and epiphanies on God’s shoulders. My trust proves that I don’t expect to be hurt by Him. I don’t have to walk on eggshells around Him with the possibility of Him using it against me. What a stress reliever! But God also brought those other individuals into my life to help me live and learn. Through it all I still get frustrated, but I’m learning to be at peace with what I can and must do each day. I can’t take on every day that’s left in my life at once, and I’m at peace with that reality.

What I know and don’t know

Recently I’ve been on a mental and emotional roller coaster. A couple situations seemed to be panning out a little. They weren’t. I thought I’ve been making huge progress; since I’ve opened my eyes somewhat it doesn’t seem like it. A friend told me otherwise, but I don’t know what to think. I’m all over the place, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt God hasn’t moved. He steadies me when I wobble on the balance beam of my life.Thank God because I am so absolutely tired of falling on my face. Could I please learn to do what God is telling me?? Yes, hard sometimes, but I know it’s the best way to keep trudging on.

In retrospect, my situations have been both comical and disheartening. How could I have ever imagined those “possibilities” to turn out the way I was playing it in my head? Embarrassed I realize I can still do my part moving forward. Who am I to say that these misunderstandings won’t be used for good? God says that He works for the good in ALL things for those who love Him. Not just some of my stupid mistakes, but all of them in some form or fashion. I know I love Him; I just don’t show it all the time. Maybe because of selfishness, pride, ignorance, or a ridiculous temper tantrum because I didn’t get my way. So I know I don’t always do what God tells me to do, and I don’t understand why I hurt both of us time after time again when I know better! I’ll learn eventually that He has my best interests at heart. I know I can’t wait to find out what they are!

Wounded healers, experienced ministers

I am going to rely heavily on T.D Jakes book God’s Leading Lady in regards to the topic of sexual trauma and abuse. The terms he uses in the title of this post are his description of those who are working through their past issues of abuse, and use that to help others who are just coming to terms with their losses. His example revolves around the Biblical story of a woman named Tamar, who was brutally raped by her brother. She felt guilty for what happened, and felt she should have or could have prevented it. Some women suffer this in silence, and others process it by making it known.

This paragraph addresses his view on her grief: “It is perfectly okay to indulge your grief in the wake of tragedy. Certainly she should not blame herself for what happened; she has nothing to be ashamed about. She didn’t bring this upon herself. But neither can she just walk away like nothing happened. You can’t ignore the abuse inflicted upon you. That’s denial, and your repressed emotions will only rise up and surface later in your life, with an intensity that is tenfold the original and so much more damaging. No, Tamar is right to express her devastation. She can’t and shouldn’t sweep the incident under the carpet. Nor should she endure the suffering alone. Pretending nothing happened would just protect Amnon (her perpetrator), and feed fuel to the fire of her own shame. Sharing grief lightens its load and makes it easier to bear.”  p.166

So many women feel like they will be shamed even more if they tell their story, whether it comes from their own mind or someone insisting they just “sweep the incident under the carpet.” That dirty filth should not stay stuffed under a carpet just to prevent the abuser, or anyone else aware of the abuse, from being viewed as a dirty, filthy human being. This only perpetuates the cycle of abuse. Let it be told so the abuser can be prevented in whatever means possible from ever doing this to another of God’s children. I did not come forward to accuse my abuser legally, but later in my adulthood I did warn someone in his life of what he had done so she could be aware. I have no idea what came of that warning because I did not get a response, nor was I expecting one. My hands were clean though of refusing to try to prevent him from abusing again, and I prayed for protection for any other women or girls he might come across.

I can hear those people now who are pointing their finger at me and saying “how dare you bring up his sins when you are just as much of a dirty, filthy sinner.” Of course I am; I don’t deny that. God sees all sin the same. But as humans the after effects of sin take its toll on us differently. I dare bring this up because I have that right and responsibility, to be an advocate for those whose hand I can take and lovingly tell them I understand their pain. Take myself, my circle, my surroundings out of the way of the truth, and give a voice to those who are absolutely terrified to speak. Sharing you devastating pain is cathartic and can begin a path to recovering from a life held down by broken dreams. Use that ugly, strangling darkness and  burst forth into a beautiful confidante and mentor. This is one of the facets of my calling.

Jakes continues by saying that Tamar was faced with trusting men right after the incident when her other brother Absalom graciously extends his help for her to recover. Some women are blessed with having those male influences help restore their faith and sanity, but others never get to experience that beautiful act of love. Either way, it is possible to have hope in humanity again. We can use our time of loss to turn our face to our Savior, and accept the help from the caring, compassionate women who come alongside us. Sometimes this help has to be looked for; not everything in life will fall into our lap.

It takes extraordinary courage to ask for help from individuals or agencies. No ifs, ands or buts…all victims should seek help from trustworthy, capable sources. I have encountered helpers who extended their hands and hearts when I didn’t know where to turn, and others that I searched out for myself. All ambassadors that God has used for His healing work in my heart. I can do my best to strongly urge other abused women to look for help, but it has to be a personal decision that they make. God has people and methods He wants to use to help us reclaim the power He supplies. Then we can boldly move forward in life, leaving our mark wherever He wants us to. Don’t believe the lies that we can never become someone great in the cause for Christ, just because someone stripped us of the sanctity of our body and soul. God can work unbelievable miracles in the midst of depression, self-loathing, anger, and defeat. I want to use my story to show many hurting women that their identity does not lie in the tragedy forced upon them, but rather in the beautiful gift of being a daughter of the Heavenly Father, a princess of the King of Kings.

Peace ruling in our hearts

This morning I was reading several Bible passages to prepare for a spiritual battle I know I am facing. A test of faith, trust, and hope that God is taking me by the hand and teaching me what I need to do. The following verses were an admonition for the behaviors and thoughts I had instilled in me, and the call to action to prepare for what’s ahead.

Colossians 3:12-17 “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the PEACE OF CHRIST RULE IN YOUR HEARTS, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.”

As you can see I highlighted a phrase that stuck out for me. All this frustration and uncertainty and unknown future have been swirling around in my heart and mind. But I have a promise right there that Christ’s peace can rule in my heart. It can have absolute control that no one else, including myself, can take away. Part of this peace requires a willingness on my part to do things that are contrary to what my inner self fights for. Compassion, humility, and forgiveness are definitely not my forte. When I’ve gone so long focusing on how I’ve been wronged and abused, I bypass thinking of what others are going through and put myself on a pedestal that needs to come crashing down. And it has been crumbling, painfully yet freeing at the same time.

And put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. My part is to put on love and project that love so that a bond can be formed, perfected through God’s hand in the matter. This will have to be a thoughtful, prepared kind of love that will reflect Christ’s selfless acts of love. There is absolutely no possible way for me to completely mimic His love, but God forgives me when I willingly choose to do the opposite.

Today was an amazing time of dwelling richly in the word of Christ. Singing thankfully from the heart, along with many other worshipers. Sitting with a friend and her family, waiting for God to reveal His presence and continually become our one true desire. And the beautiful prayers on my behalf that proves God is working in my life, and is by my side helping me to conquer the enemy. One of the best phrases today was “even on our best day, we are not really worth talking about.” I’m not, no matter how much I want everything to be about me. My pain, my value, my pride. I was not there when Creation began, nor will I be here much longer in light of eternity. So what do I do now? Well, whatever I do in word or deed, it needs to be done in the name of the Lord Jesus, and just give thanks to God! There are so many circumstances that no matter what I do, there may never be a favorable solution, but as long as I’ve done it in a way that pleases God, His peace will rule in my heart. How amazing is that!