Ironic peace

I’ve been contemplating the reasons behind my yes’ and no’s that have been thrown at me lately. Yes they are necessary for my growth, and no I don’t understand most of these crazy developments. Who says I need to? This girl has learned that I won’t or can’t be given all the answers. I wouldn’t be able to handle the enormity of it all. My God knows and directs me through the answers because He can handle it. How amazing since I can’t!

I can trust Him like no one else on this earth. Even if they have the best of intentions for me. I am blessed by my select few I can confide in. One of which I told today, I am able to share certain thoughts and feelings with one or two friends, but I can’t share those with other friends. This is because my trust and comfort with one over another varies. Not judging or belittling each individual; just acknowledging that each one has different influences on me.

But now is my chance to lay all those laughs and burdens and questions and epiphanies on God’s shoulders. My trust proves that I don’t expect to be hurt by Him. I don’t have to walk on eggshells around Him with the possibility of Him using it against me. What a stress reliever! But God also brought those other individuals into my life to help me live and learn. Through it all I still get frustrated, but I’m learning to be at peace with what I can and must do each day. I can’t take on every day that’s left in my life at once, and I’m at peace with that reality.

What I know and don’t know

Recently I’ve been on a mental and emotional roller coaster. A couple situations seemed to be panning out a little. They weren’t. I thought I’ve been making huge progress; since I’ve opened my eyes somewhat it doesn’t seem like it. A friend told me otherwise, but I don’t know what to think. I’m all over the place, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt God hasn’t moved. He steadies me when I wobble on the balance beam of my life.Thank God because I am so absolutely tired of falling on my face. Could I please learn to do what God is telling me?? Yes, hard sometimes, but I know it’s the best way to keep trudging on.

In retrospect, my situations have been both comical and disheartening. How could I have ever imagined those “possibilities” to turn out the way I was playing it in my head? Embarrassed I realize I can still do my part moving forward. Who am I to say that these misunderstandings won’t be used for good? God says that He works for the good in ALL things for those who love Him. Not just some of my stupid mistakes, but all of them in some form or fashion. I know I love Him; I just don’t show it all the time. Maybe because of selfishness, pride, ignorance, or a ridiculous temper tantrum because I didn’t get my way. So I know I don’t always do what God tells me to do, and I don’t understand why I hurt both of us time after time again when I know better! I’ll learn eventually that He has my best interests at heart. I know I can’t wait to find out what they are!

Fact or fiction

Over the past week or so it seems like every day, or even a couple times in a day, I seem to get contrasting reviews in my head. I’m calling it the even-day, odd-day syndrome. I am not going from the extremes of mania to depression, which is strange. Rather, it seems like on an even day I have a light-hearted, down-to-earth perspective of one of my ongoing situations. Then strangely the odd day may bring me to a complete or partial change in the perspective. I don’t go through extreme emotions either, just the frustration of continually wondering which outcome or answer is correct. I know part of this is brought on by other people in my life. Either there are misunderstandings or total change of hearts on their part, which reveals to me just how much they affect my life. Which I understand; they have a right to make their own even-day, odd-day choices. But could my mind please catch up and know how to handle all this information?? I wouldn’t say I am worried or panicky, but my “wise mind” realizes now that there are some situations going on in my life that are not black or white. As I referred to before, I cannot let the conversations in my head get the best of me. I need to prepare mentally, emotionally, and spiritually so I can be adaptable in whatever is thrown my way. This will prevent a gradual uprising of uncertainty if these small instances keep happening, or if I am thrown one gigantic fireball of change that threatens to overtake everything I have accomplished so far. Please God, help me discern in my mind and my heart what you are showing me and what I need to believe and do.