Graduation Day

Lamentations 3:19-26 “I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”

May 21, 2000 I graduated at the top of my class (of three!) from Calvary Baptist Christian School. I had attended that school from kindergarten through my senior year of high school. It was the only life and environment I had known, and I was terrified of what was next for me. Since then I made so many mistakes striving for the wrong things in life…human love, possessions, accomplishments. I wanted to be fully loved and accepted and appreciated, but I had turned my back on the one true source that could provide all those things for me. Although God blessed me with four beautiful children that I love dearly, most of the past fifteen years have been one heartache after another as I let myself spiral downward. Divorce, loss of jobs, loss of homes, strained relationships, mental health struggles which at one point even led to a medication overdose. But God in His wisdom knew I needed to experience all those hard times before I could truly place my faith and trust in Him as my Lord and Savior. Each day now I am grateful that the chains of depression and bitterness have been broken and taken away from me. Just a couple days ago I struggled with a bout of depression, but I have the power of God and the skills now to combat it in a healthy, productive way. I have a wonderful support system of spiritual mentors, friends, and counselors who care about me and are there when I need the encouragement and prodding to do what God wants and expects of me. My life is still not where I want it to be, and just last night I cried honestly and openly to God about how much it hurts to not be with my children and have the type of home environment I long for. He loves when I come to Him and share my deepest feelings with Him, and I know He will bless and encourage me because of that. Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” In some ways my heart is broken and my spirit is crushed, but I’ve also been claiming some verses in Psalm 16 that I know will come true: vs. 8-11 “Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” I’ve had to learn, and will continue learning every day for the rest of my life, that God is enough for me – everything else is just bonus. He is making known to me the paths that I need to take and walk faithfully on, and I can enjoy my life now and for eternity because He is everything I need. I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be.

Showers of blessings

Today I had an appointment with my therapists and they first questioned me on how I’m doing without the medications. I explained that I’m past the withdrawal stage and that I am so much more clear and focused in life now than I ever was before. I reiterated several times that it’s because I’ve turned everything over to God and I am letting Him have control over my life. The questioning continued to make sure I have safeguards in place just in case something happens that may cause me to need the meds again. I am grateful that I have counselors who are adamant on making sure I stay safe and healthy. I explained that I’m not just living on a cloud nine spiritual experience, but that I’m cultivating a new way of life that is incorporating my faith and the coping skills I’m learning in the individual and group therapy sessions. I have a spiritual mentor I can turn to, and I’ve made several friends who share my faith and are also striving to fulfill their purpose God has for them. My therapists even stated that I may have been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder since I have done so well coming off the medications, but I know this is not the case. I know the manic and depressive episodes I experienced were true stages of bipolar disorder. The difference now is that I am relying on God to give me the power and strength to overcome my demons. And God is blessing me in enormous ways that I never thought possible. I don’t carry the shame and guilt of my past abuse and poor choices I’ve made in life like I used to. I’ve unclenched my fists from the tight grasp they had on bitterness and anger and self-loathing. I am making leaps and bounds in old and new relationships that I am intentionally putting effort into so that I can develop more deep and meaningful interactions. I have been complimented so many times recently on my glowing countenance and physical appearance. I am not trying to be vain; in fact, it has been very humbling each time someone has complimented me in regards to how I look. It is something I’ve always wanted because one of my biggest disappointments and fears has always been rejection. The only reason why my appearance is different now is that I’ve let God do the transformation instead of stubbornly trying to do it on my own. And I’m not saying everything in my life is picture perfect now either. I still have my huge faults that get me in trouble and cause pain to myself and others. I still have a few big dreams that I beg God for daily to help make them come true, and I feel like they are just a few more steps away. He has brought me this far, and I believe He will grant me the desires of my heart because I am focusing on Him and asking for Him to guide me so that I will pursue and want what His plans are for me anyway.

Breakthroughs

I have had several breakthroughs in the short week and a half since the women’s conference. I’ve heard that term before, but I don’t know if I truly felt like I could experience a breakthrough. At my group therapy this past Friday, I had a chance to catch up with an intern therapist that I hadn’t seen in awhile. I was explaining how growing up I had planned on establishing my success in a business setting as priority to show that I was a strong woman. Although that is still somewhat important to me, the conference helped show me that my desire to be a successful mother is even more important, and I have witnessed such beautiful progress in that area already. I told the therapist that I actually look at my children for who they are as children of God and wonder what He has in store for them. I can actually step back and enjoy the precious moments with them because I intentionally remember that this is just a season and I won’t have them with me forever. They have dreams and goals just like I do, and I want to do my part to nurture them to prepare and strive for those dreams and goals. I also told her that I’m ready to find a part time job and I may be dating again pretty soon. That’s when she told me I’ve made a breakthrough. I am seeing things from a total different perspective, and I have a hope that is becoming reality that things are getting better. She told me my face and my smile were just beaming, and a couple of other people have told me that recently too. I’ve also been reaching out to more people lately that I hadn’t been talking to as much or enough, and those relationships are turning around for the better. I’ve even been experiencing breakthroughs physically. I’m pretty sure I’m through the withdrawal period since I went off of my meds. I can’t even describe how different each of my senses are now. I’m still trying to calibrate my body to adjust to being med free, but I’m amazed at how it’s all going so far. Every day I am thanking God continually for these new series of events and changes that are taking place. I’m still frustrated that some things are still up in the air for me, like not having a vehicle, but I am learning true patience and contentment while I wait for these things to happen. I feel I am at a point in my life now that I’ve come too far to ever fall that far down again, and each day will bring me one step closer to becoming the woman God wants me to be. And I am so extremely grateful and overwhelmed for being blessed with where I’m at in my life now.

Past The Wishing

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I attended a women’s conference at my church, and I was blown away with the whole experience. From the creative designs and performances to the powerful, Godly messages, I definitely made some memories that will last a lifetime. The sessions revolved around the theme Past The Wishing. Taking the next steps to get out of our comfort zone of wishing and onto the edge of yikes and actually doing. An auditorium filled with over 2,500 ladies praising God, laughing, and even crying as we let ourselves be receptive to God’s calling and just taking the first step by saying yes.

I was able to spend time with two of my friends there and at their homes. They are two of the most generous, compassionate, caring women that I know. Their words and acts of kindness were such a blessing, and I know that God will reward them for their giving spirits. I loved being able to listen to their stories as well. By truly listening to others I am learning to drastically shift the focus off of myself. If I want to intentionally and exponentially grow my friendships, then I need to invest myself into their struggles and strengths, and I am grateful that I have a chance to do so with these two.

I also had the chance to sit down alone with another lady in my single mom’s group to share something with her that’s been weighing on my mind. After the first morning session on Friday I knew God wanted me to talk to her. I was nervous because we haven’t known each other long, and I had no idea where the conversation would lead to. I am so glad that I talked with her because it gave us the opportunity to connect in a more meaningful way, and hopefully this will be just one more great friendship developing.

And the connections continued today. Because of something that happened during this morning’s service, I went to meet and speak with the pastors afterwards. While waiting in line, another woman on staff who spoke at the conference introduced herself and we chatted a couple minutes. I told her I have only been attending there a few months and that I had plugged into the single mom’s group. Several minutes later after she had walked away, she came back and said that she had just met another woman who wanted to get involved in the group, and if I could get her information and connect with her. After meeting this other mom and finding out her name, I realized I know her ex-husband. I texted her throughout the afternoon and also found out that she had attended the conference as well, and she was able to share what God had laid on her heart for her to do.

So because of one little decision I made, I was able to meet someone that I could possibly encourage or have an impact on, and vice versa. That’s all it took and God made an opportunity available to me. One of the things I learned about God’s calling for me is that I don’t need to have outrageous goals to feel a sense of accomplishment. It can be about deliberately doing the seemingly mundane things every day to the best of my ability. I am making a purposeful decision to become more involved in my children’s lives. I’ve already seen the rewards from that just over the past day and a half! Instead of getting frustrated with them I tried to take a step back and not react immediately, and then I was able to appreciate their beautiful personalities even more. I’d actually look at them and think of how proud I am to be their mother. This made it so much easier to just enjoy the moments I shared with them this weekend.

Even though in that aspect I didn’t need an outrageous goal, I still feel that God wants me to push for a certain goal that may seem unattainable. I had forgotten to pack my medications before I left with my friends on Thursday, but I think that was God’s initial move to tell me to rely on Him instead. One of the speakers has fought through and is in remission from breast cancer, and she spoke about God’s healing power. I’ve questioned myself for awhile in regards to believing if God could give me the strength and capability to live without medicine. He intentionally created me to have migraines and bipolar disorder, and He also gave the knowledge and perseverance to others for developing different medications for these illnesses. I’ve been praying about it, and since I have done well without the medications these past few days, I am going to continue to stay off of them and watch God work even more in me. I have learned enough by now to recognize my bipolar symptoms, so I will be staying alert to any triggers and use prayer and coping skills as my weapons of choice. This is a giant leap of faith for me, and I have to reiterate that this is a decision for myself. God is dealing with me as an individual, and I don’t want to encourage anyone else to attempt going off of their meds. And I may need to go back on them, but that is not something I am going to worry about or let overtake my mind every single second. This is my journey, and I am letting God hold my hand now with each step I’m taking.

Pity Party

Last night into today I had to barge into my own mind and break up the pity party that was trying to get in full swing. I have been feeling lonely, frustrated, wronged, wistful, defeated, and ostracized. The difference this time has been stopping a certain thought – like if I’m frustrated with where I’m living at and with what I don’t have – and counteract that thought with something that will keep me pushing forward, like remembering that I won’t be here forever and something better is waiting for me. This change of behavior is extremely difficult, and it is really challenging my resolve and determination to improve my circumstances.

Last week my van breathed its last breath, and I had to accept that I am without a vehicle for now. No income, no possibility of finding a new vehicle at this time. At this time; that’s what I have to repeat to my several hundred times and probably then some. Relying on others has always been so difficult for me because I feel that I need to prove something to this world by showing I was strong enough to take care of myself. The only way I’ve been strong enough these past few days is by laying down my pride and asking others for help with rides or borrowing a car. Since I laid down my pride, I have been able to still go to church and life groups and volleyball and appointments for my kids. And I will continue to keep asking, because I know staying at home moping will not change my situation and lead to the dangerous decline into a depressed episode. I have not been into that deep pit for awhile, and I want to do what’s necessary to keep myself from going back there.

Also last week, a few days before my van broke down, God showed me a vision of what He wants me to do in the near future. This setback and all my other giants I am facing is going to certainly enhance or defeat my faith. I am choosing to let these troubles teach me how to overcome so that I will be prepared when God puts me in that place to work for Him. Again, I have to put my pride down because I am having to ask others for advice, help and prayers. No way I can possibly do this on my own. But when I see everything working together, I know it will give me a greater sense of purpose for my calling. And it’s going to be one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life.

So I am dreaming big of what the future holds, but right now, in this moment, I am proclaiming victory in Jesus to overcome these feelings. I have to force myself to move and do something productive. Even though I have bipolar disorder, I cannot use that as an excuse this time to keep me from doing what I need to do. If I can accomplish it this time, then I can do it every time thereafter. I am not going to be so harsh on myself if I don’t follow through every time; that will just bring me down even farther if it does happen. But I am taking it hour by hour, day by day, because at this point it’s all that I can do.

Those sneaky thoughts

I have made huge progress in my life recently, but only with God’s power and guidance. Such huge setbacks, but such great growth through it. The catch I’ve learned though is that I slip into a hypomanic episode easier now. I know God is giving me strength and a greater perspective on life, but I have to watch for the signs of euphoria and grandiosity. God can do the impossible, but I’m not God so I can’t. I just have to be willing to follow through with His plan for me; nothing more, nothing less. I pray for help in accomplishing goals, but I have to remember I’m not a superhero who can get everything done immediately. Some of my thoughts and ideas get carried away because my mind is deceiving me. These grandiose dreams come alive for me and I believe God will answer and make them come true for me. I am so grateful He doesn’t answer those foolish ones because they are not His best for me. He will show me the best gifts He has for me when the time is right. I won’t stop dreaming, but I’m not going to constantly ruminate on them like I used to. I’m excited to see what is in store for me, regardless of how my episodes fluctuate. Reality will push through, and I will take the good and the bad. How else will I become the best version of me that God wants me to be?

Back to the ashes

I have been doing really well with pushing forward over the past couple weeks, but last night I just tanked. My body and mind were on shutdown mode, and I had no idea what brought it on. I was all ready to go to one of my groups, and then I just felt so exhausted that I could barely walk into another room. With being so tired, I couldn’t help my kids with anything and started yelling when I wanted so badly to be calm. Even had some verses go through my mind, but it seemed like there was no escaping my exhaustion and frustration. I am not excusing my behavior; I definitely could have talked and acted kinder. But this was one of my human failing moments. I acknowledge my mistake, but I’m learning that I don’t have to dwell on my mistake. I can mentally take note of how I felt, what I said, what I did, and then use that info as strength for the next time this happens.

The downer feeling poured over into today, but I took some steps to combat it. I went to my group therapy, even though I was so tired and epitomized the Grumpy dwarf. Other ladies admitted that they too hadn’t wanted to show up, which helped me feel better knowing I wasn’t the only one. But all of us did the best thing we could do for ourselves. We shared how our past week went and what coping skills we used throughout the tough spots, then dove into a more detailed understanding of a specific skill we are training ourselves to use. Such a small decision to go, yet so much positive comes out of that decision. I also did different things to interact with my kids. That may seem like such a no-brainer to some, but sometimes it seems beyond possible when I am in this state of mind.

I can see I am making progress because I am able to analyze the situation and realize it will not be a forever thing. I’m not letting it bog me down so much that I can’t even get out of bed and interact with the world…even though I am so tempted to stay buried under those blankets and not deal with anything. I am forcing myself to keep moving and keep doing things for myself and for my kids. Not easy when I’m going through this kind of struggle, but pushing myself only strengthens my resolve of getting better.

One of the harsh things that keeps revolving in my mind is why can’t some of those around me see the progress as well?? When I first wrote that, I used the term “loved ones” but I had to delete and rename. I know that family should be equated as loved ones, but I don’t feel the obligation to label it as such when I can’t deem it as sincere. I am well past the point of depending on their acceptance to feel my self worth. I am an adult who has no obligation to explain myself, and I deserve to be treated as an adult no matter what they expect out of me or what they choose to understand about my mental health issues. But when we are being bombarded and criticized by so many other sources, who wouldn’t want their “loved ones” to defend and try to understand them?

I am beyond grateful for the stronger bonds I have developed, because I know that God has placed them in my life for a purpose. I can rely on them to keep encouraging me to move forward. I know that no one person can be everything I need, but for each individual who provides me with the different supports I need – a listening ear, uplifting words, strong hugs, prayers brought before God on my behalf – this is exactly what I need to reaffirm my value and worth. I see where I want to be and what I want to do in my life still, and those I consider as my loved ones are rooting for me because they know I can achieve those goals.

I know that I fell back into the ashes, but I don’t have to let the weight of it keep me pinned down. My history has gotten me to the point where I can recoup and move on, moment by moment, and remember I can get through this. I will not let this blackness keep me from completing my purpose in life. God’s not done with me yet.