Graduation Day

Lamentations 3:19-26 “I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”

May 21, 2000 I graduated at the top of my class (of three!) from Calvary Baptist Christian School. I had attended that school from kindergarten through my senior year of high school. It was the only life and environment I had known, and I was terrified of what was next for me. Since then I made so many mistakes striving for the wrong things in life…human love, possessions, accomplishments. I wanted to be fully loved and accepted and appreciated, but I had turned my back on the one true source that could provide all those things for me. Although God blessed me with four beautiful children that I love dearly, most of the past fifteen years have been one heartache after another as I let myself spiral downward. Divorce, loss of jobs, loss of homes, strained relationships, mental health struggles which at one point even led to a medication overdose. But God in His wisdom knew I needed to experience all those hard times before I could truly place my faith and trust in Him as my Lord and Savior. Each day now I am grateful that the chains of depression and bitterness have been broken and taken away from me. Just a couple days ago I struggled with a bout of depression, but I have the power of God and the skills now to combat it in a healthy, productive way. I have a wonderful support system of spiritual mentors, friends, and counselors who care about me and are there when I need the encouragement and prodding to do what God wants and expects of me. My life is still not where I want it to be, and just last night I cried honestly and openly to God about how much it hurts to not be with my children and have the type of home environment I long for. He loves when I come to Him and share my deepest feelings with Him, and I know He will bless and encourage me because of that. Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” In some ways my heart is broken and my spirit is crushed, but I’ve also been claiming some verses in Psalm 16 that I know will come true: vs. 8-11 “Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” I’ve had to learn, and will continue learning every day for the rest of my life, that God is enough for me – everything else is just bonus. He is making known to me the paths that I need to take and walk faithfully on, and I can enjoy my life now and for eternity because He is everything I need. I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be.

Creating a grateful heart

The story I referred to in my last post is in regards to the tragic tornadoes that tore through the north central Illinois region where I live. They happened a week ago from this past Thursday, and even took the life of a woman I had worked with a long time ago. I have struggled so hard for so long to develop a grateful heart, and that devastation definitely helps put things into perspective.

Ever since I was forced to move out of my townhouse last May, I have been fighting a daily battle to not feel sorry for myself on all I had lost. I’ve had several losses since then – relationships, job, vehicle – which have made me feel like a failure in every aspect of life. For months I buried myself under the “woe is me” mentality. I couldn’t get out of the trap of wishing I had everything back that I had lost…my independence most of all.

It’s slowly getting to be less of a burden by thanking God for what I do have, and remembering so many other people would love to have what I have now. Regardless, there are days like today that bring up tough reminders that threaten to pull me under once again. It is my ex-boyfriend’s birthday, and I was reminded that I lost a companion whom I shared friends and experiences with. I absolutely know that even though he was the one to break it off, I never should have pushed for it to begin with because we were not right for each other and would not have lasted anyways. Doesn’t change the fact that we still made memories, good and bad, that I will still be reminded of for who knows how many more times.

I talked with another friend who’s been going through the same situation of giving up the past. It’s been a rough time for him, but he’s acknowledging that some things will never get back to the way they were. He was able to comfort and sympathize with me, which helped the pain ease a little. I also read Psalm 121, and loved the verse about how my help comes from the Maker of heaven and earth. He has literally created everything, and He is helping me create a grateful heart. A long, hard process, but when I instill that type of mindset in my life I will appreciate everything I do have and gladly accept whatever else I’ll be blessed with down the road.

“Holding on to the past is like trying to climb stairs with heavy weights chained to your ankles.”

My hell on earth

Depression has reared its ugly head again the past couple weeks. I’ve had to force myself to be more involved in my surroundings, especially when I have my kids, but it has been extremely difficult. I cannot emphasize the “extremely” part enough in regards to what my mind, body, and spirit have been going through. Today I succumbed to the nagging of my body to just stay in bed to fall asleep and forget everything going on in my world and the rest of the world. Eventually I got up just to get dressed and go walking before I ended up at my old church to read. I normally would play piano for awhile, but an injured thumb didn’t allow that pleasure for me today. I have been walking quite a bit this past week. It feels good getting some fresh air and exercise, but it just accentuates the fact that I’m reduced to walking when I don’t have a vehicle anymore.

I’ve broken down so many times lately that I’m starting to feel pathetic. I cry because of where I’m at literally and figuratively; because of the actions or lack of actions from other people; because most of my time is spent reading and studying. My flip side is that I have a roof over my head and the mental capacity to mostly function; I am not responsible for other people, only myself and what I have the ability to control; I may not be earning any monetary income, but the dividends of my studying may pay off big by helping others and myself in some fashion someday.

I’ve talked to several people in my support system lately. Thank God for the team He’s brought around me and for each of their gifts they can use to help guide me. I will share my talents and gifts with them as well, when the time comes. One of my friends asks so many questions, not in a rude way, but in a thought provoking way to help me see all angles, not just my little bubble I’m in. While praying for me, she asked God for clarity on whether I am creating my own “hell” on earth, or if this really is a test in my life to let God give me strength to overcome. After thinking about it, I would have to say it’s both. God has allowed some things to happen, some as consequences of my past mistakes, while others are more of trials for me to grow through. But am I exerting too much of my energy into longing for more than what I have right now? My feelings are valid, but am I responding in the wrong way to what I’m feeling? What if this is just one of the final pushes to make me decide to take a huge leap of faith? Maybe this depression has partially been brought on from all the questions I’m having without having any logical solutions. I just want one or two concrete answers that I can build on and move forward! But my progress through my hell on earth will have to be experienced in ways that can’t be predicted or mandated.