My haunting past

I found out today that I did not get hired for the position I interviewed for last Monday. They are, however, keeping my resume on file because they have another employee retiring in the near future. I guess I can take that as a compliment that I wasn’t completely rejected. But I am doing surprisingly well with being passed over for this position. I think my faith has grown a lot over the last few months, so I can realize that this job just wasn’t the right one that God has lined up for me. I don’t have to take the denial of my skills and capability personally because I don’t know all the details. I just need to keep trusting that my Heavenly Father is still in control and is guiding me to the right employer.

I did find out through my friend why the temp agency I applied to is having a hard time placing me. In her words, remnants of my past mistakes are creating conflict for them to find me a position, but they are still advocating for me and have my file as priority. It shames and frustrates me that my past would haunt me when I’m trying to turn around and do better for myself and my children, but realistically it couldn’t just hide when I came back to approach the working world. Of course I want to be known for the great work and accomplishments I made when I was able to go to work. I don’t want to be shackled with the title of “unreliable” because my health issues made me miss so much time at work. The only hope I have is that my God is bigger than any shameful and hurtful title I may have attached to me, and He can navigate the circumstances in my life to provide a job that will work out tremendously for me and the employer. I’m just praying I can find that one employer with a gracious spirit who will look at my past and give me a chance to prove that I have overcome some of those daunting obstacles. No matter how this works out, my God will provide for my needs everyday, and I can tell this will be an intense testing of my faith in His goodness and timing. I am up for the challenge because I want the opportunity to show how God has changed me for the better, and give Him all the glory and honor for those changes.

Creating a grateful heart

The story I referred to in my last post is in regards to the tragic tornadoes that tore through the north central Illinois region where I live. They happened a week ago from this past Thursday, and even took the life of a woman I had worked with a long time ago. I have struggled so hard for so long to develop a grateful heart, and that devastation definitely helps put things into perspective.

Ever since I was forced to move out of my townhouse last May, I have been fighting a daily battle to not feel sorry for myself on all I had lost. I’ve had several losses since then – relationships, job, vehicle – which have made me feel like a failure in every aspect of life. For months I buried myself under the “woe is me” mentality. I couldn’t get out of the trap of wishing I had everything back that I had lost…my independence most of all.

It’s slowly getting to be less of a burden by thanking God for what I do have, and remembering so many other people would love to have what I have now. Regardless, there are days like today that bring up tough reminders that threaten to pull me under once again. It is my ex-boyfriend’s birthday, and I was reminded that I lost a companion whom I shared friends and experiences with. I absolutely know that even though he was the one to break it off, I never should have pushed for it to begin with because we were not right for each other and would not have lasted anyways. Doesn’t change the fact that we still made memories, good and bad, that I will still be reminded of for who knows how many more times.

I talked with another friend who’s been going through the same situation of giving up the past. It’s been a rough time for him, but he’s acknowledging that some things will never get back to the way they were. He was able to comfort and sympathize with me, which helped the pain ease a little. I also read Psalm 121, and loved the verse about how my help comes from the Maker of heaven and earth. He has literally created everything, and He is helping me create a grateful heart. A long, hard process, but when I instill that type of mindset in my life I will appreciate everything I do have and gladly accept whatever else I’ll be blessed with down the road.

“Holding on to the past is like trying to climb stairs with heavy weights chained to your ankles.”