Anytime now, God!

God has blessed me in so many ways lately, but I’m still struggling with being content with everything I have now. It doesn’t consume me like it has in the past though, which is such a relief. I am just a typical modern American who wants everything my way right this very instant. Garth Brooks’ song “Unanswered Prayers” comes to mind, because my life would be so much more screwed up if God granted me everything I ask for. I still have several big dreams and wishes, but I don’t have to stress about which ones will come true because God has it all taken care of, and there are some opportunities that have not even come across my path yet that I need to be willing to wait for. Taking my hands off the steering wheel was no easy thing, but I’ve had so many positive things happen by giving up the control. The best things in life take time, and I know that the life I envision for myself will become reality if I just keep giving my frustration and impatience over to God and let Him show me step by step where and when He wants me to move.

Ironic peace

I’ve been contemplating the reasons behind my yes’ and no’s that have been thrown at me lately. Yes they are necessary for my growth, and no I don’t understand most of these crazy developments. Who says I need to? This girl has learned that I won’t or can’t be given all the answers. I wouldn’t be able to handle the enormity of it all. My God knows and directs me through the answers because He can handle it. How amazing since I can’t!

I can trust Him like no one else on this earth. Even if they have the best of intentions for me. I am blessed by my select few I can confide in. One of which I told today, I am able to share certain thoughts and feelings with one or two friends, but I can’t share those with other friends. This is because my trust and comfort with one over another varies. Not judging or belittling each individual; just acknowledging that each one has different influences on me.

But now is my chance to lay all those laughs and burdens and questions and epiphanies on God’s shoulders. My trust proves that I don’t expect to be hurt by Him. I don’t have to walk on eggshells around Him with the possibility of Him using it against me. What a stress reliever! But God also brought those other individuals into my life to help me live and learn. Through it all I still get frustrated, but I’m learning to be at peace with what I can and must do each day. I can’t take on every day that’s left in my life at once, and I’m at peace with that reality.

What I know and don’t know

Recently I’ve been on a mental and emotional roller coaster. A couple situations seemed to be panning out a little. They weren’t. I thought I’ve been making huge progress; since I’ve opened my eyes somewhat it doesn’t seem like it. A friend told me otherwise, but I don’t know what to think. I’m all over the place, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt God hasn’t moved. He steadies me when I wobble on the balance beam of my life.Thank God because I am so absolutely tired of falling on my face. Could I please learn to do what God is telling me?? Yes, hard sometimes, but I know it’s the best way to keep trudging on.

In retrospect, my situations have been both comical and disheartening. How could I have ever imagined those “possibilities” to turn out the way I was playing it in my head? Embarrassed I realize I can still do my part moving forward. Who am I to say that these misunderstandings won’t be used for good? God says that He works for the good in ALL things for those who love Him. Not just some of my stupid mistakes, but all of them in some form or fashion. I know I love Him; I just don’t show it all the time. Maybe because of selfishness, pride, ignorance, or a ridiculous temper tantrum because I didn’t get my way. So I know I don’t always do what God tells me to do, and I don’t understand why I hurt both of us time after time again when I know better! I’ll learn eventually that He has my best interests at heart. I know I can’t wait to find out what they are!

Peace ruling in our hearts

This morning I was reading several Bible passages to prepare for a spiritual battle I know I am facing. A test of faith, trust, and hope that God is taking me by the hand and teaching me what I need to do. The following verses were an admonition for the behaviors and thoughts I had instilled in me, and the call to action to prepare for what’s ahead.

Colossians 3:12-17 “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the PEACE OF CHRIST RULE IN YOUR HEARTS, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.”

As you can see I highlighted a phrase that stuck out for me. All this frustration and uncertainty and unknown future have been swirling around in my heart and mind. But I have a promise right there that Christ’s peace can rule in my heart. It can have absolute control that no one else, including myself, can take away. Part of this peace requires a willingness on my part to do things that are contrary to what my inner self fights for. Compassion, humility, and forgiveness are definitely not my forte. When I’ve gone so long focusing on how I’ve been wronged and abused, I bypass thinking of what others are going through and put myself on a pedestal that needs to come crashing down. And it has been crumbling, painfully yet freeing at the same time.

And put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. My part is to put on love and project that love so that a bond can be formed, perfected through God’s hand in the matter. This will have to be a thoughtful, prepared kind of love that will reflect Christ’s selfless acts of love. There is absolutely no possible way for me to completely mimic His love, but God forgives me when I willingly choose to do the opposite.

Today was an amazing time of dwelling richly in the word of Christ. Singing thankfully from the heart, along with many other worshipers. Sitting with a friend and her family, waiting for God to reveal His presence and continually become our one true desire. And the beautiful prayers on my behalf that proves God is working in my life, and is by my side helping me to conquer the enemy. One of the best phrases today was “even on our best day, we are not really worth talking about.” I’m not, no matter how much I want everything to be about me. My pain, my value, my pride. I was not there when Creation began, nor will I be here much longer in light of eternity. So what do I do now? Well, whatever I do in word or deed, it needs to be done in the name of the Lord Jesus, and just give thanks to God! There are so many circumstances that no matter what I do, there may never be a favorable solution, but as long as I’ve done it in a way that pleases God, His peace will rule in my heart. How amazing is that!

This is my time

Several times lately I’ve come across the theme of patience. It just happens to be the virtue of the month my kids are learning about at our new church. “Wait on the Lord” is becoming embedded in my mind and heart. Waiting will bring answers and maturity and peace I’m searching for. But another thought struck me the other day. If I am being told to wait, then there will be a time to not wait anymore. There will be a time for action. And I truly believe it’s going to be revealed soon. I’m not sure what those exact actions are, but the preparations are definitely in motion. I can see them, and those close to me are seeing them too. And I’m not being ridiculed by them for those visions. Oh, I’m sure in their minds some are saying “she’s crazy; there’s no way that will ever happen.” Says who? Of course so much may seem impossible, but why can’t I have those actions turn into beautiful results?

I’ve learned what healthy desires are by recognizing my bipolar tendencies and my codependent behaviors, and using my “wise mind” to determine the healthy balance between emotions and reason. My wise mind has now become centered around God’s mind, which is a much more stable place than when I was running aimlessly on my own. Right now I am reading T.D. Jakes’ book God’s Leading Lady. Every woman has her leading role she needs to play out in her life, based on what God has called her to do. My calling is not to be rich and famous, and that’s perfectly fine. Why do something that may get praise and adoration from others, when it would just leave me deflated and frustrated because it’s not my divine calling? When I say that this is my time, I mean that the details of my calling are falling into place.

Even when my purpose in life is revealed, I have to realize the hard part is still to come. I need to take what I have learned, and continue to learn, and utilize it by pouring myself into the people and situations that are presented to me. Some of this help will come from the lessons learned through my past abuse, mental health trials, broken relationships, broken soul; they will all help me to relate to someone else who needs me at that time. The confirmation of “me too,” “I get it,” “I’ve been there,” “I know what you’re going through,” and being able to sincerely relate.

God bless those who have helped me by sharing their hurts. Who actually wants to drudge up their mistakes or devastating situations? Overcoming the fear of embarrassment and shame may be the exact thing that’s necessary for you to shine a light to others and assist them in driving out their own dark fears. And I truly believe that sharing your darkness with others will free you from some of your own chains because you know that there was a reason for all the hurt and confusion.

Perfect timing. As I write, the song Let Them See You In Me starts playing. My desire through all this darkness is to now share those black, horrific times and boldly declare GOD HAS SEEN ME THROUGH! I want others to see that God is changing my heart, and that others will see the difference and know that their change of heart is just as possible. I am no different or better than any other human being on this earth. Just saved by the One who fulfilled His purpose when His time came. My help I can give anyone else will never compare with Jesus’ loving sacrifice, but I pray I can still take those steps to portray His love and caring.

So my time for action is just a few steps in front of me. I can feel it! I am willing to let God do whatever is necessary so I keep taking those steps. Others may be depending on me to stay strong and not give up. Daunting, yes, but also exciting. Ready or not, here I come, because this is my time.