Pity Party

Last night into today I had to barge into my own mind and break up the pity party that was trying to get in full swing. I have been feeling lonely, frustrated, wronged, wistful, defeated, and ostracized. The difference this time has been stopping a certain thought – like if I’m frustrated with where I’m living at and with what I don’t have – and counteract that thought with something that will keep me pushing forward, like remembering that I won’t be here forever and something better is waiting for me. This change of behavior is extremely difficult, and it is really challenging my resolve and determination to improve my circumstances.

Last week my van breathed its last breath, and I had to accept that I am without a vehicle for now. No income, no possibility of finding a new vehicle at this time. At this time; that’s what I have to repeat to my several hundred times and probably then some. Relying on others has always been so difficult for me because I feel that I need to prove something to this world by showing I was strong enough to take care of myself. The only way I’ve been strong enough these past few days is by laying down my pride and asking others for help with rides or borrowing a car. Since I laid down my pride, I have been able to still go to church and life groups and volleyball and appointments for my kids. And I will continue to keep asking, because I know staying at home moping will not change my situation and lead to the dangerous decline into a depressed episode. I have not been into that deep pit for awhile, and I want to do what’s necessary to keep myself from going back there.

Also last week, a few days before my van broke down, God showed me a vision of what He wants me to do in the near future. This setback and all my other giants I am facing is going to certainly enhance or defeat my faith. I am choosing to let these troubles teach me how to overcome so that I will be prepared when God puts me in that place to work for Him. Again, I have to put my pride down because I am having to ask others for advice, help and prayers. No way I can possibly do this on my own. But when I see everything working together, I know it will give me a greater sense of purpose for my calling. And it’s going to be one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life.

So I am dreaming big of what the future holds, but right now, in this moment, I am proclaiming victory in Jesus to overcome these feelings. I have to force myself to move and do something productive. Even though I have bipolar disorder, I cannot use that as an excuse this time to keep me from doing what I need to do. If I can accomplish it this time, then I can do it every time thereafter. I am not going to be so harsh on myself if I don’t follow through every time; that will just bring me down even farther if it does happen. But I am taking it hour by hour, day by day, because at this point it’s all that I can do.

Cherished memories

I guess 3:30 in the morning is as good as any other to get all philosophical. Everyone has their own stories of how the best memories of their life happened. I’m hoping to share some of mine at a later time. This post is about the special people that you share those memories with. Just thinking back on how they contributed to your successes, laughter, dreams, exhilaration. For those amazing people who blessed your life – cherish them. And thinking back on the memories of those involved in contributing to your failures, crying, dashed hopes, depression. For those special people who harmed your life – cherish them. They may have had good intentions, but things didn’t turn out like they wanted. They may have had any number of bad intentions, and were able to make them happen. From the tiny pebble-in-the-shoe annoyances, to the enormous soul-shattering nightmares – cherish them. Good or bad, God created each person in His image. What they choose to do with that gift will ultimately be revealed and they will be held accountable for as they face their loving Maker. My job is to take those memories and find out what God’s plan is for me to use them in furthering His kingdom. That’s what I am here for, and because of that I will cherish Him.