Showers of blessings

Today I had an appointment with my therapists and they first questioned me on how I’m doing without the medications. I explained that I’m past the withdrawal stage and that I am so much more clear and focused in life now than I ever was before. I reiterated several times that it’s because I’ve turned everything over to God and I am letting Him have control over my life. The questioning continued to make sure I have safeguards in place just in case something happens that may cause me to need the meds again. I am grateful that I have counselors who are adamant on making sure I stay safe and healthy. I explained that I’m not just living on a cloud nine spiritual experience, but that I’m cultivating a new way of life that is incorporating my faith and the coping skills I’m learning in the individual and group therapy sessions. I have a spiritual mentor I can turn to, and I’ve made several friends who share my faith and are also striving to fulfill their purpose God has for them. My therapists even stated that I may have been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder since I have done so well coming off the medications, but I know this is not the case. I know the manic and depressive episodes I experienced were true stages of bipolar disorder. The difference now is that I am relying on God to give me the power and strength to overcome my demons. And God is blessing me in enormous ways that I never thought possible. I don’t carry the shame and guilt of my past abuse and poor choices I’ve made in life like I used to. I’ve unclenched my fists from the tight grasp they had on bitterness and anger and self-loathing. I am making leaps and bounds in old and new relationships that I am intentionally putting effort into so that I can develop more deep and meaningful interactions. I have been complimented so many times recently on my glowing countenance and physical appearance. I am not trying to be vain; in fact, it has been very humbling each time someone has complimented me in regards to how I look. It is something I’ve always wanted because one of my biggest disappointments and fears has always been rejection. The only reason why my appearance is different now is that I’ve let God do the transformation instead of stubbornly trying to do it on my own. And I’m not saying everything in my life is picture perfect now either. I still have my huge faults that get me in trouble and cause pain to myself and others. I still have a few big dreams that I beg God for daily to help make them come true, and I feel like they are just a few more steps away. He has brought me this far, and I believe He will grant me the desires of my heart because I am focusing on Him and asking for Him to guide me so that I will pursue and want what His plans are for me anyway.

Anytime now, God!

God has blessed me in so many ways lately, but I’m still struggling with being content with everything I have now. It doesn’t consume me like it has in the past though, which is such a relief. I am just a typical modern American who wants everything my way right this very instant. Garth Brooks’ song “Unanswered Prayers” comes to mind, because my life would be so much more screwed up if God granted me everything I ask for. I still have several big dreams and wishes, but I don’t have to stress about which ones will come true because God has it all taken care of, and there are some opportunities that have not even come across my path yet that I need to be willing to wait for. Taking my hands off the steering wheel was no easy thing, but I’ve had so many positive things happen by giving up the control. The best things in life take time, and I know that the life I envision for myself will become reality if I just keep giving my frustration and impatience over to God and let Him show me step by step where and when He wants me to move.

Creating a grateful heart

The story I referred to in my last post is in regards to the tragic tornadoes that tore through the north central Illinois region where I live. They happened a week ago from this past Thursday, and even took the life of a woman I had worked with a long time ago. I have struggled so hard for so long to develop a grateful heart, and that devastation definitely helps put things into perspective.

Ever since I was forced to move out of my townhouse last May, I have been fighting a daily battle to not feel sorry for myself on all I had lost. I’ve had several losses since then – relationships, job, vehicle – which have made me feel like a failure in every aspect of life. For months I buried myself under the “woe is me” mentality. I couldn’t get out of the trap of wishing I had everything back that I had lost…my independence most of all.

It’s slowly getting to be less of a burden by thanking God for what I do have, and remembering so many other people would love to have what I have now. Regardless, there are days like today that bring up tough reminders that threaten to pull me under once again. It is my ex-boyfriend’s birthday, and I was reminded that I lost a companion whom I shared friends and experiences with. I absolutely know that even though he was the one to break it off, I never should have pushed for it to begin with because we were not right for each other and would not have lasted anyways. Doesn’t change the fact that we still made memories, good and bad, that I will still be reminded of for who knows how many more times.

I talked with another friend who’s been going through the same situation of giving up the past. It’s been a rough time for him, but he’s acknowledging that some things will never get back to the way they were. He was able to comfort and sympathize with me, which helped the pain ease a little. I also read Psalm 121, and loved the verse about how my help comes from the Maker of heaven and earth. He has literally created everything, and He is helping me create a grateful heart. A long, hard process, but when I instill that type of mindset in my life I will appreciate everything I do have and gladly accept whatever else I’ll be blessed with down the road.

“Holding on to the past is like trying to climb stairs with heavy weights chained to your ankles.”

Those sneaky thoughts

I have made huge progress in my life recently, but only with God’s power and guidance. Such huge setbacks, but such great growth through it. The catch I’ve learned though is that I slip into a hypomanic episode easier now. I know God is giving me strength and a greater perspective on life, but I have to watch for the signs of euphoria and grandiosity. God can do the impossible, but I’m not God so I can’t. I just have to be willing to follow through with His plan for me; nothing more, nothing less. I pray for help in accomplishing goals, but I have to remember I’m not a superhero who can get everything done immediately. Some of my thoughts and ideas get carried away because my mind is deceiving me. These grandiose dreams come alive for me and I believe God will answer and make them come true for me. I am so grateful He doesn’t answer those foolish ones because they are not His best for me. He will show me the best gifts He has for me when the time is right. I won’t stop dreaming, but I’m not going to constantly ruminate on them like I used to. I’m excited to see what is in store for me, regardless of how my episodes fluctuate. Reality will push through, and I will take the good and the bad. How else will I become the best version of me that God wants me to be?

What I know and don’t know

Recently I’ve been on a mental and emotional roller coaster. A couple situations seemed to be panning out a little. They weren’t. I thought I’ve been making huge progress; since I’ve opened my eyes somewhat it doesn’t seem like it. A friend told me otherwise, but I don’t know what to think. I’m all over the place, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt God hasn’t moved. He steadies me when I wobble on the balance beam of my life.Thank God because I am so absolutely tired of falling on my face. Could I please learn to do what God is telling me?? Yes, hard sometimes, but I know it’s the best way to keep trudging on.

In retrospect, my situations have been both comical and disheartening. How could I have ever imagined those “possibilities” to turn out the way I was playing it in my head? Embarrassed I realize I can still do my part moving forward. Who am I to say that these misunderstandings won’t be used for good? God says that He works for the good in ALL things for those who love Him. Not just some of my stupid mistakes, but all of them in some form or fashion. I know I love Him; I just don’t show it all the time. Maybe because of selfishness, pride, ignorance, or a ridiculous temper tantrum because I didn’t get my way. So I know I don’t always do what God tells me to do, and I don’t understand why I hurt both of us time after time again when I know better! I’ll learn eventually that He has my best interests at heart. I know I can’t wait to find out what they are!

Fact or fiction

Over the past week or so it seems like every day, or even a couple times in a day, I seem to get contrasting reviews in my head. I’m calling it the even-day, odd-day syndrome. I am not going from the extremes of mania to depression, which is strange. Rather, it seems like on an even day I have a light-hearted, down-to-earth perspective of one of my ongoing situations. Then strangely the odd day may bring me to a complete or partial change in the perspective. I don’t go through extreme emotions either, just the frustration of continually wondering which outcome or answer is correct. I know part of this is brought on by other people in my life. Either there are misunderstandings or total change of hearts on their part, which reveals to me just how much they affect my life. Which I understand; they have a right to make their own even-day, odd-day choices. But could my mind please catch up and know how to handle all this information?? I wouldn’t say I am worried or panicky, but my “wise mind” realizes now that there are some situations going on in my life that are not black or white. As I referred to before, I cannot let the conversations in my head get the best of me. I need to prepare mentally, emotionally, and spiritually so I can be adaptable in whatever is thrown my way. This will prevent a gradual uprising of uncertainty if these small instances keep happening, or if I am thrown one gigantic fireball of change that threatens to overtake everything I have accomplished so far. Please God, help me discern in my mind and my heart what you are showing me and what I need to believe and do.