Graduation Day

Lamentations 3:19-26 “I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”

May 21, 2000 I graduated at the top of my class (of three!) from Calvary Baptist Christian School. I had attended that school from kindergarten through my senior year of high school. It was the only life and environment I had known, and I was terrified of what was next for me. Since then I made so many mistakes striving for the wrong things in life…human love, possessions, accomplishments. I wanted to be fully loved and accepted and appreciated, but I had turned my back on the one true source that could provide all those things for me. Although God blessed me with four beautiful children that I love dearly, most of the past fifteen years have been one heartache after another as I let myself spiral downward. Divorce, loss of jobs, loss of homes, strained relationships, mental health struggles which at one point even led to a medication overdose. But God in His wisdom knew I needed to experience all those hard times before I could truly place my faith and trust in Him as my Lord and Savior. Each day now I am grateful that the chains of depression and bitterness have been broken and taken away from me. Just a couple days ago I struggled with a bout of depression, but I have the power of God and the skills now to combat it in a healthy, productive way. I have a wonderful support system of spiritual mentors, friends, and counselors who care about me and are there when I need the encouragement and prodding to do what God wants and expects of me. My life is still not where I want it to be, and just last night I cried honestly and openly to God about how much it hurts to not be with my children and have the type of home environment I long for. He loves when I come to Him and share my deepest feelings with Him, and I know He will bless and encourage me because of that. Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” In some ways my heart is broken and my spirit is crushed, but I’ve also been claiming some verses in Psalm 16 that I know will come true: vs. 8-11 “Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” I’ve had to learn, and will continue learning every day for the rest of my life, that God is enough for me – everything else is just bonus. He is making known to me the paths that I need to take and walk faithfully on, and I can enjoy my life now and for eternity because He is everything I need. I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be.

Showers of blessings

Today I had an appointment with my therapists and they first questioned me on how I’m doing without the medications. I explained that I’m past the withdrawal stage and that I am so much more clear and focused in life now than I ever was before. I reiterated several times that it’s because I’ve turned everything over to God and I am letting Him have control over my life. The questioning continued to make sure I have safeguards in place just in case something happens that may cause me to need the meds again. I am grateful that I have counselors who are adamant on making sure I stay safe and healthy. I explained that I’m not just living on a cloud nine spiritual experience, but that I’m cultivating a new way of life that is incorporating my faith and the coping skills I’m learning in the individual and group therapy sessions. I have a spiritual mentor I can turn to, and I’ve made several friends who share my faith and are also striving to fulfill their purpose God has for them. My therapists even stated that I may have been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder since I have done so well coming off the medications, but I know this is not the case. I know the manic and depressive episodes I experienced were true stages of bipolar disorder. The difference now is that I am relying on God to give me the power and strength to overcome my demons. And God is blessing me in enormous ways that I never thought possible. I don’t carry the shame and guilt of my past abuse and poor choices I’ve made in life like I used to. I’ve unclenched my fists from the tight grasp they had on bitterness and anger and self-loathing. I am making leaps and bounds in old and new relationships that I am intentionally putting effort into so that I can develop more deep and meaningful interactions. I have been complimented so many times recently on my glowing countenance and physical appearance. I am not trying to be vain; in fact, it has been very humbling each time someone has complimented me in regards to how I look. It is something I’ve always wanted because one of my biggest disappointments and fears has always been rejection. The only reason why my appearance is different now is that I’ve let God do the transformation instead of stubbornly trying to do it on my own. And I’m not saying everything in my life is picture perfect now either. I still have my huge faults that get me in trouble and cause pain to myself and others. I still have a few big dreams that I beg God for daily to help make them come true, and I feel like they are just a few more steps away. He has brought me this far, and I believe He will grant me the desires of my heart because I am focusing on Him and asking for Him to guide me so that I will pursue and want what His plans are for me anyway.

Past The Wishing

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I attended a women’s conference at my church, and I was blown away with the whole experience. From the creative designs and performances to the powerful, Godly messages, I definitely made some memories that will last a lifetime. The sessions revolved around the theme Past The Wishing. Taking the next steps to get out of our comfort zone of wishing and onto the edge of yikes and actually doing. An auditorium filled with over 2,500 ladies praising God, laughing, and even crying as we let ourselves be receptive to God’s calling and just taking the first step by saying yes.

I was able to spend time with two of my friends there and at their homes. They are two of the most generous, compassionate, caring women that I know. Their words and acts of kindness were such a blessing, and I know that God will reward them for their giving spirits. I loved being able to listen to their stories as well. By truly listening to others I am learning to drastically shift the focus off of myself. If I want to intentionally and exponentially grow my friendships, then I need to invest myself into their struggles and strengths, and I am grateful that I have a chance to do so with these two.

I also had the chance to sit down alone with another lady in my single mom’s group to share something with her that’s been weighing on my mind. After the first morning session on Friday I knew God wanted me to talk to her. I was nervous because we haven’t known each other long, and I had no idea where the conversation would lead to. I am so glad that I talked with her because it gave us the opportunity to connect in a more meaningful way, and hopefully this will be just one more great friendship developing.

And the connections continued today. Because of something that happened during this morning’s service, I went to meet and speak with the pastors afterwards. While waiting in line, another woman on staff who spoke at the conference introduced herself and we chatted a couple minutes. I told her I have only been attending there a few months and that I had plugged into the single mom’s group. Several minutes later after she had walked away, she came back and said that she had just met another woman who wanted to get involved in the group, and if I could get her information and connect with her. After meeting this other mom and finding out her name, I realized I know her ex-husband. I texted her throughout the afternoon and also found out that she had attended the conference as well, and she was able to share what God had laid on her heart for her to do.

So because of one little decision I made, I was able to meet someone that I could possibly encourage or have an impact on, and vice versa. That’s all it took and God made an opportunity available to me. One of the things I learned about God’s calling for me is that I don’t need to have outrageous goals to feel a sense of accomplishment. It can be about deliberately doing the seemingly mundane things every day to the best of my ability. I am making a purposeful decision to become more involved in my children’s lives. I’ve already seen the rewards from that just over the past day and a half! Instead of getting frustrated with them I tried to take a step back and not react immediately, and then I was able to appreciate their beautiful personalities even more. I’d actually look at them and think of how proud I am to be their mother. This made it so much easier to just enjoy the moments I shared with them this weekend.

Even though in that aspect I didn’t need an outrageous goal, I still feel that God wants me to push for a certain goal that may seem unattainable. I had forgotten to pack my medications before I left with my friends on Thursday, but I think that was God’s initial move to tell me to rely on Him instead. One of the speakers has fought through and is in remission from breast cancer, and she spoke about God’s healing power. I’ve questioned myself for awhile in regards to believing if God could give me the strength and capability to live without medicine. He intentionally created me to have migraines and bipolar disorder, and He also gave the knowledge and perseverance to others for developing different medications for these illnesses. I’ve been praying about it, and since I have done well without the medications these past few days, I am going to continue to stay off of them and watch God work even more in me. I have learned enough by now to recognize my bipolar symptoms, so I will be staying alert to any triggers and use prayer and coping skills as my weapons of choice. This is a giant leap of faith for me, and I have to reiterate that this is a decision for myself. God is dealing with me as an individual, and I don’t want to encourage anyone else to attempt going off of their meds. And I may need to go back on them, but that is not something I am going to worry about or let overtake my mind every single second. This is my journey, and I am letting God hold my hand now with each step I’m taking.

Bottom of the bottle

I have been trying to lace all my posts with some type of positive encouragement, and this one will as well. But this is me exposing one of the worst moments in my life. I was in another extreme depressive state of my life back in 2009. I was trying to function daily, but just couldn’t bear functioning anymore. There was no light at the end of the tunnel for me. There was no light whatsoever. I had a husband, children, home and a job. I felt helpless trying to take care of myself, let alone my home or work life. And like many other people who have experienced my kind of pain, I made a conscious decision that not only affected me greatly, but my family and friends as well.

That morning my ex-husband took the kids to school, and I knew he would be back afterwards. I sat on the edge of our bed and stared at a couple of the prescription bottles I was getting tired of taking pills from every day. I think it was my mood stabilizer and anxiety medications. I heard my ex moving around in the other room, but I knew he would check on me eventually. In a desperate attempt, I took several pills from both bottles; I couldn’t even tell you how many of each. I remember getting extremely sleepy, but I can’t remember where my body was – if I was on the bed, the floor, wherever.

Basically the next few hours were only audible. I could hear people talking but it was like I was in complete darkness. I heard my ex call 911 and call his mom. I cannot even fathom the fear he must have been experiencing. I don’t know how long it took for the paramedics and police to get there. I could somewhat feel them moving me around, but I couldn’t tell what they were doing. What I do remember is that one policeman and one male paramedic made comments that were absolutely degrading and disgusting. Like I wasn’t enduring enough pain and humiliation in my life already.

The officer had talked to my ex about what events may have led up to my overdose. To spare my ex, I will not give the exact words the officer spoke, but he made a crude comment about our personal life. The next insult came from the paramedic who “loaded” me into the ambulance. His irritation was evident when he told me to help him get myself in because I was hurting his back. He attacked further by berating me and telling me that they would probably pump my stomach, and if that’s what I had wanted. No compassion whatsoever. But then I hadn’t made that decision to try to get sympathy and compassion. I was just trying to escape.

I knew I wasn’t going to die. I knew I would be sick and have some consequences, but I just didn’t know to what extent. I knew God wasn’t done with me yet, even though I took such drastic measures to escape my pain. After I got to the hospital I remember going in and out hearing what the staff were doing for me. I did not have to have my stomach pumped, which some people were amazed at. Obviously when I was stabilized, I was put on constant watch so I wouldn’t try anything harmful again. Later I was transferred to the first of my psychiatric ward stays. That story is for another time. The family and friends that visited me were so thankful yet extremely worried about my overdose and my mental state. My best friend at that time had come and gave me such a huge hug, whispering against my hair “I prayed, I prayed!” I don’t even know how her relationship with God is, if at all, but she had that much love for me to resort to prayer. My mom always poured herself into her children, and she hurt because she couldn’t take away my hurt. My cousin has been there for me since way back when, and I am grateful she chose to come visit me then, and several times thereafter at my other hospitalizations.

There was so much more emotion on my part and the part of everyone else involved in my story, but there is no way to completely capture that in mere words. That was one of my wake-up calls. Adjusting and monitoring medications for bipolar disorder was such an exhausting ordeal. It still is to this day. And I did have other thoughts of hurting myself again after that incident. I had the life experience and better understanding of my mental issues though that I didn’t follow through a second time.

I have been a Christian since I was six years old. I don’t know when I first started experiencing bipolar symptoms, but I can remember them as far back as junior high. Back then I knew something was wrong, but I had no name for it or any idea how to find out what was wrong. But all this time I have still believed that God was real. His greatest miracle for me was keeping me alive, but I know He is with me regardless of that. I still fought tooth and nail for years on end working for what I wanted, and not what He wanted for me. Sometimes I would draw closer to Him, but not enough where I was willing to give Him total control. Until this past October. I had another mental and emotional breakdown that sent me to a crisis residential center for two weeks. Another story for another time. But that was the final nudge that God gave to me to make me finally realize I can’t excel in my life if I don’t listen to Him. I won’t overcome anything without His strength and power. And now He is restoring my life in ways I never would have imagined. And there is so much more to come. So I do see light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, but I also see the Light surrounding me now. He will keep me safe from any darkness that may cross my path again until the moment that He alone has destined for me to die. But from that moment when I enter eternity, I will never have to look at the bottom of a bottle again.