I have been doing really well with pushing forward over the past couple weeks, but last night I just tanked. My body and mind were on shutdown mode, and I had no idea what brought it on. I was all ready to go to one of my groups, and then I just felt so exhausted that I could barely walk into another room. With being so tired, I couldn’t help my kids with anything and started yelling when I wanted so badly to be calm. Even had some verses go through my mind, but it seemed like there was no escaping my exhaustion and frustration. I am not excusing my behavior; I definitely could have talked and acted kinder. But this was one of my human failing moments. I acknowledge my mistake, but I’m learning that I don’t have to dwell on my mistake. I can mentally take note of how I felt, what I said, what I did, and then use that info as strength for the next time this happens.
The downer feeling poured over into today, but I took some steps to combat it. I went to my group therapy, even though I was so tired and epitomized the Grumpy dwarf. Other ladies admitted that they too hadn’t wanted to show up, which helped me feel better knowing I wasn’t the only one. But all of us did the best thing we could do for ourselves. We shared how our past week went and what coping skills we used throughout the tough spots, then dove into a more detailed understanding of a specific skill we are training ourselves to use. Such a small decision to go, yet so much positive comes out of that decision. I also did different things to interact with my kids. That may seem like such a no-brainer to some, but sometimes it seems beyond possible when I am in this state of mind.
I can see I am making progress because I am able to analyze the situation and realize it will not be a forever thing. I’m not letting it bog me down so much that I can’t even get out of bed and interact with the world…even though I am so tempted to stay buried under those blankets and not deal with anything. I am forcing myself to keep moving and keep doing things for myself and for my kids. Not easy when I’m going through this kind of struggle, but pushing myself only strengthens my resolve of getting better.
One of the harsh things that keeps revolving in my mind is why can’t some of those around me see the progress as well?? When I first wrote that, I used the term “loved ones” but I had to delete and rename. I know that family should be equated as loved ones, but I don’t feel the obligation to label it as such when I can’t deem it as sincere. I am well past the point of depending on their acceptance to feel my self worth. I am an adult who has no obligation to explain myself, and I deserve to be treated as an adult no matter what they expect out of me or what they choose to understand about my mental health issues. But when we are being bombarded and criticized by so many other sources, who wouldn’t want their “loved ones” to defend and try to understand them?
I am beyond grateful for the stronger bonds I have developed, because I know that God has placed them in my life for a purpose. I can rely on them to keep encouraging me to move forward. I know that no one person can be everything I need, but for each individual who provides me with the different supports I need – a listening ear, uplifting words, strong hugs, prayers brought before God on my behalf – this is exactly what I need to reaffirm my value and worth. I see where I want to be and what I want to do in my life still, and those I consider as my loved ones are rooting for me because they know I can achieve those goals.
I know that I fell back into the ashes, but I don’t have to let the weight of it keep me pinned down. My history has gotten me to the point where I can recoup and move on, moment by moment, and remember I can get through this. I will not let this blackness keep me from completing my purpose in life. God’s not done with me yet.
My Beauty From These Ashes 